If you’re big grime music fan like I am, then the start of 2020 gave us a wonderful gift.
An epic grime clash.
It featured two of the arguably biggest grime artists in the whole culture – Stormzy and Wiley and it will go down in history. This grime “beef” had it all. The older statesman (Wiley) going against the new young blood (Stormzy). It brought out the best in Stormzy with the disgustingly disrespectful but endlessly entertaining diss track “Still Disappointed” and showcased that Wiley was still a force to be reckoned with.
Overall, it was good publicity for both artists. Great content for fans. And put the spotlight on grime culture again.
Then we had to go and ruin it.
Earlier yesterday, Stormzy, perhaps swelling with too much ego from defeating Wiley or from some ill-advised strategy from his management, decided to unnecessarily reignite his beef with Wiley on Twitter by challenging the latter to a face-to-face live clash on Rinse FM. Unsurprisingly, what followed was a war of words between Wiley and Stormzy across Twitter and Instagram, belittling each other and accusing each other of various types of “disrespects”.
So now what started out as two grime pioneers, from two different generations, engaging in a classic and genuinely entertaining grime clash, has now descended into a childish and embarrassing feud between two black men, one who is quite a bit older than the other.
And it makes the whole culture look foolish to outsiders.
Black people represent their culture when we are the only black faces in the room
Being black is difficult. I don’t deny this or pretend it’s not the case. Unlike other ethnic groups, our singular actions can have ramifications on the rest of our community, especially if we are in a position of power or if we are the only black person in the room. It’s just the reality of the black experience.
Considering the above, I am disappointed in both Stormzy and Wiley, but more so in the former. Wiley has always been antagonistic, loud and impulsive from the very early days of the grime scene. But I expected more from Stormzy, especially since he is in a far more prominent position than Wiley and wields greater power and influence.
We already have black boys killing each other on London’s streets. Now our biggest black British entertainers are feuding with other on social media. The narrative of black-on-black violence and anger towards each other not only continues but is reinforced by prominent figures in our community.
We need to do better not just for ourselves, but our community
It’s not fair that individual black people must carry the responsibility of their community on their shoulders, but the history of western civilisation has made it this way. There is so much already working against us in western society that we simply can’t be as irresponsible as other people from other ethnics.
Throughout much of my career, I’ve often been the only black person in the whole room full of middle-class, educated white people.
I am very conscious of this. Not in a negative way but I acknowledge that most of the people I am working with haven’t had this kind of proximity to a black person before since they aren’t so many black people outside of London.
Moreover, I am aware of the negative stereotypes of black men that exist in the British public consciousness. Therefore, I do my best not to play into these stereotypes, so they don’t hinder my progression but also the progression of other black men after me.
Whether we like it or not, black people are lumped together. If I behave badly at my workplace, where I am one of the only black people in the whole office, I know I will make it more difficult for another black boy to get employed because my own actions have been unfairly placed on him.
It’s not fair but it’s how our western society functions to hold black people back.
Black men and women in power represent all of us. It’s a responsibility automatically placed on them so they must be aware of how their behaviour affects the wider culture and their community.
The Wiley and Stormzy feud may appear to be nothing but an entertaining vocal scrap between two black musicians but, on a deeper level, we must think about how this is making our culture and community look to the outside world.
Are black British boys destined to fight with each other all the time? Is this really what we want our culture and black masculinity to be about? Endless and meaningless wars with each other?
I knew the exact moment when I had outgrown baby girls.
Some time ago, I used to speak to one girl I had met at an event and we quickly connected as friends. She would call me often and we would talk, mostly about her life to be honest.
But one day, during one of our late-night phone conversations, it suddenly dawned on me that the only subject this girl was ever interested in discussing was boys. Every conservation would be about how some new boy in her life was either:
a) playing with her feelings
b) not acting the way she wanted him to act
c) a combination of the above points
Once I realised this, I reduced the amount of time I spoke to her and, after a while, I simply told her I was too busy to have these discussions only about her boy troubles.
Once I had verbalised this, we stopped speaking.
To me, it was no love lost and I didn’t regret it either.
But I was dealing with a baby girl when I can only be investing that much time into grown-ass women from this point forward.
Your time is precious and limited
Whether you’re a man or a woman, your time is precious, and it becomes ever more precious the older you get. You get to a point in your life where you simply can’t afford to waste time with certain types of people any longer.
This particular blog post can easily be applied to women, in terms of not wasting their time with baby boys but, for the purposes of this blog, I am going to examine the ways a man can tell that he’s dealing with a baby girl instead of a grown-ass woman. Also, this post is examining the platonic friendships a man has with a woman rather than a romantic or sexual one.
As a man, of course it’s fine to have women who are simply your friends and nothing more. However, I do think that as a man it’s more beneficial for you to develop friendships with women who have an adult mentality (i.e. grown-ass women) as opposed to a childish one (i.e. baby girls).
1) She only ever talks about man troubles in her life
If a woman only talks about the trivial problems she’s having with men, then she’s a baby girl and she’s wasting your time.
Look, there’s nothing wrong if you have a female friend and you occasionally give her advice about how to deal with men – who else better to ask than a man about why a man behaves the way he does.
But here’s the caveat.
If that’s what she talks about 90% of the time then, as a man, you’re devaluing yourself and she probably doesn’t even respect you. Never get into a position with a woman whereby all you are is a sounding board for her struggles with men. What exactly are you gaining from that kind of relationship? Surely you have better things to do with your time as a man than listen to your female friend rant about the evils of men for hours on end.
For the love of God, please tell me you do…
A grown-ass woman has more to talk about than just men all the time. She has opinions and ideas about a wide range of subjects. Most of the time you speak to her, it’s either you learn something new or you even question your own beliefs because of her intelligent viewpoints.
2) She questions why you’re busy and gets annoyed when you are
If your female friend calls you or asks you to meet her and you tell her you’re busy doing something, assess her response. If she gets annoyed at you then yes, you’re dealing with a baby girl.
A grown-ass woman will understand that you’re busy working on your hustle. How can she understand? Well, because she’s working hard on her own grind as well.
A baby girl doesn’t have any objective in her life besides getting herself into drama and seeking attention - both aren’t mutually exclusive either.
Which brings me to my next point…
3) Her life is constant chaos
I remember when I was in my very early twenties and I had a summer fling with a young girl around my age. Let me tell you, her life was constantly chaotic. Till this day, I have never met a girl with a life so bonkers it would make Lady Gaga look plain. This baby girl would always be broke, always be a mess, always lose her phone every week and always find herself drowning in drama with her family and boys.
At the time, she was a lot of fun but now, as a 30-year old man, I look back and I know I couldn’t waste my time with that kind of girl now.
Don’t get me wrong. I love girls who like to party sometimes and drink – I do those things myself and have a few female friends I go partying with.
But a grown-ass woman knows how to party and drink in moderation and she has some semblance of structure and order in her life.
"A grown-ass woman will understand that you’re busy working on your hustle. How can she understand? Well, because she’s working hard on her own grind as well."
A baby girl is just a walking tornado and while it can be fun initially to be swept up in her whirlwind of madness, as you get older as a man, trust me, her chaotic lifestyle will begin to stress you and drain you of your energy and patience.
4) She blames all her issues on men or other people
If I am speaking to a woman about her life and during our conversation, she blames all her mistakes on other people (usually men) then I know I am dealing with a baby girl.
A grown-ass woman has the self-awareness and humility to admit that she has made mistakes of her own making. Not only that, a grown-ass woman OWNS her shortcomings and takes responsibility for every silly and destructive decision she’s made that were genuinely down to her poor judgement at the time.
On the other hand, a baby girl will point fingers and rarely acknowledge the role she’s played in the nonsense situation she may find herself in. And if you try and tell her otherwise, she’ll be offended and most likely stop speaking to you.
5) She can admit when she’s wrong and apologise
One of the major hallmarks of a grown-ass woman is her ability to admit that she was in the wrong (if she genuinely was of course) and, to top it all off, apologise!
You’re dealing with a baby girl if she refuses to apologise when it’s her fault for whatever reason. And even if she does acknowledge she was wrong, it’s often in a dismissive manner and she won’t utter an actual apology. Girls have just as much pride as men, but a grown-ass woman can put her pride aside.
Like I mentioned earlier, most of these points can be applied the other way – how to distinguish a grown-ass man from a baby boy. But to the guys, as you get older and establish more platonic relationships with women, ensure that you’re only dealing with grown-ass women in your life.
Baby girls are only fun when you’re still a baby boy yourself.
Trust me. I know.
In late January this year, Dr Shola Mos-Shogbamimu, a well-respected black female lawyer and woman’s right activist got into a verbal spat with white British actor Laurence Fox, on BBC Question Time last week.
You can read more about their heated exchange here but essentially Mr Fox accused Dr Mos-Shogbamimu of racism because she had referred to him as a white-privileged male due to his comfortable upbringing and the fact he is a white male. Dr Mos-Shogbamimu responded by continuing to argue that Mr Fox life is much easier than hers because he has white skin and he is a man.
Now, I completely agree with Dr Shola Mos-Shogbamimu.
White privilege is very much weaved into the collective consciousness of western society, enabling white people, in some, not all cases, to get away with actions that a black person would be severely reprimanded for had they committed the same act. It is true that a white person, middle or working class, cannot begin to fathom what it means to live the black experience, where we must watch the way we talk, speak or act in fear of being judged or labelled due to the persistent negative stereotypes about black people.
But here’s the caveat.
Ultimately, white privilege doesn’t matter. And I am a black man writing this.
The black community are the only race who complains about white privilege
The black community is the only group of people who shout about white privilege as if we are the only race it affects. Asian people are also affected by white privilege. In fact, people who have white skin but are European, for example from Poland, are also, sometimes, treated as an “other” by white British people.
As unfair as it is, white privilege will exist for a long time simply because the history of western civilisation has made it this way. Yes, it is somewhat unjust that white people, especially white men from middle to upper class backgrounds, get to enjoy this advantage, even if some of them don’t want to acknowledge it. But that is just the reality in which we live in and the cards that black people, as a collective, have been unfortunately dealt.
It simply is what it is.
Having said that, it’s great that people like Dr Shola Mos-Shogbamimu have brought attention to white privilege so black people understand they are often at a disadvantage from birth and white British people at least recognise the advantage they have because of how they look. However, this paradigm is not going to change anytime soon so to continuously complain or shout about it will ultimately not lead to any progress.
There are lot more issues within the black community that we need to be addressing if we want to see real change for black British people.
We have too many internal problems within the black community
The only way black British people will circumvent white privilege is for us to be collectively better as a people. And yet, when I look around, we often failing at this incredibly.
For the most part, and this is just my own anecdotal observations, black British people don’t invest their money back into their own community to generate wealth for everyone the same way Jews or Asians do. We do not support or champion each other, especially our young men, who would rather compete with each other and boast of fancy cars and of girls they’ve slept with.
It’s all well and good preaching the evils of white privilege but the black community honestly needs to be looking inwardly at our own problems. To me, when the black community puts too much focus on white privilege, it's like a sprinter complaining about a competing sprinter that has been giving a head start in the race, yet the sprinter that is complaining isn't even in a good condition to run the race anyway.
Young black boys are dying on the streets on an almost weekly basis. More than half of young people in jail are from a black and minority ethnic background. Our cultural artefacts, from black music to black films, perpetuate and reinforce all the negative stereotypes associated with the black experience.
Simply put, there are too many internal issues within the black community, particularly among our young men, that we really shouldn’t be wasting our energy shouting about white privilege.
" To me, when the black community puts too much focus on white privilege, it's like a sprinter complaining about a competing sprinter that has been giving a head start in the race, yet the sprinter that is complaining isn't even in a good condition to run the race anyway. "
Instead, we should be addressing the issue of our “black culture” and what values we are passing down to the next generation of young black British people. The only way we, as a community, will get ahead is not by condemning white privilege but by cultivating and encouraging the right attitudes and values among our people, despite what other people may think of us.
Since the end of slavery, our right to do better and be better as people is a privilege that has always belonged to black people.
And white privilege cannot take away our freedom to improve.
So let’s be better, instead of bitter.